Uh oh, here comes Valentine’s Day. Of all the holidays across the calendar year, I’m not sure that any kick up as much emotional dust as this one does. People either really dig it or really loathe it. For some, it is a land mine of expectations, stress and, in come cases, unreasonable need. For the luckier ones, it is a Hallmark wonderland of candy hearts, hot romance and heavy breathing. For my part, I’m pretty neutral on it all. Excepting the occasional creepy overture from some weirdo in the Dockers and Viagra crowd, I mostly go unnoticed out there. I’m good with that. I am well aware, however, that Valentine’s Day can be unbearably sad for those who feel alone or who are recovering from the nasty bitch slap of love gone wrong. To anyone in that state of heart and mind, I say rise up and get your mojo on! Here are ten tips for punching Valentine’s Day in the nose:
- Make a date with Bob. He’s usually hanging around the gym or the health club and is always game for a hook-up. Punch him in the face. Practice your uppercut on him. Sting like a bee! He has a mean expression and a bad attitude. But he won’t hit you back. I don’t know if this is because he’s a gentleman or because he has no arms or legs. Go at him hard anyway. He can take it, and you’ll feel better. Take him out for a drink afterward though. Nobody likes to feel used, including Bob.
- Buy your own damn chocolate. Russell Stover is usually the go-to chocolate on Valentine’s Day. But let’s get real for a minute – that’s some pretty crappy chocolate. Yeah, there are a few dozen pieces in a giant, pretty box. But for my money, I’d rather have a smaller amount of high-end chocolate than an excess of what is basically the Liberace of confections. Quality control starts with you.
- Drive around in a monster truck, preferably one with Halogen fog lamps and no muffler. Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
- Create a playlist for the day. Make the first track “Love Stinks.”
- Dress down. Eat junk food. Rock slovenly.
- Try a different tactic. Grab that love bull by the nose ring. If someone has caught your eye, march right on up to him/her and put it out there, straight up. Screw fear. Be bold. I recently did it. After dancing around the edges with a certain crush, I finally cut to the chase. (Yo, dude! You wanna roll with me?) And I got REJECTED. But I wasn’t particularly upset. In fact, I thought the guy was a bit of a dumb ass to pass me by. No matter the outcome, the overture itself will remind you what you’re made of.
- Celebrate a different holiday. Hide Easter eggs around the office. Blast Christmas carols. Pass out Halloween candy. Shoot off bottle rockets. Defy.
- A cupid piñata full of condoms. OK, I don’t know where I was going with this, but I like the visual.
- Round up a group of your rowdiest friends and reserve a table at a romantic restaurant. Drink exotic martinis, talk loudly, ask the waiter lots of questions and raise a jaunty toast now and then. Do not −I repeat, DO NOT−give a shit what the people around you think. You’re paying customers too. And remember, the goal here is to punch Valentine’s Day in the nose.
- Love thyself. If that certain someone isn’t smart enough to do it, then fuck them. Do it yourself. You are stardust. You are golden. And you damn well deserve it.
“Shot through the heart and you’re to blame. You give love a bad name.”
– Bon Jovi